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Fred Thompson is reportedly planning a swing through Florida, but until he arrives and we can question him in person, we'll have to suffice with his celluloid answers -- as voiced by the many characters he's played on television and film:
CL: One of the biggest questions for voters in 2008 is going to be what do we do in Iraq. Any thoughts?
Thompson: What's all this top-secret business I've been hearing about over at the Pentagon?1
CL: You got me. You probably have more access to that kind of information up in Washington than an alternative weekly newspaper down in Tampa Bay.
Thompson: I know we're all dummies up here. Give us a little taste of your brilliant genius. What are we talking about?2
CL: The war in Iraq.
Thompson: Uh-oh. I feel the old "bad precedent" speech coming on.3
CL: But don't you think we need a really good plan for withdrawal?
Thompson: Sometimes the good you do won't do you any good.3
CL: Then you would keep our troops there?
Thompson: Well, I guess it beats dousing yourself in rum and lighting up a Cohiba.3
CL: America is fighting another war, the war on drugs. Would you do anything differently than the current administration?
Thompson: With all the money we spend on the so-called war on drugs, we could buy all the poppy fields in the world and burn then to a crisp. But do we do it? No. And why? Because without a war on something, people in Washington wouldn't get elected.3
CL: Let me get back to foreign affairs. We've had an uneasy relationship with Vladimir Putin and a Russia that appears to be backsliding away from democracy. What's your sense of Putin, is he just making this up as he goes along or is this part of a carefully devised scenario?
Thompson: Russians don't take a dump, son, without a plan.4
CL: So what is Putin's plan?
Thompson: That stupid, arrogant son-of-a-bitch!2 He's homosexual.1
CL: Won't voters question your presidential temperament if you call Putin those kinds of names?
Thompson: Now, just to show there's no hard feelings we're all gonna go to dinner together.5
CL: What about trade? How do you view our biggest trading partners, say, Japan?
Thompson: When the Japs take in a load of lettuce they're not sure they wanna let in the country, why they'll just let it sit there on the dock 'til they get good and ready to look at, But then of course, it's all gone rotten... ain't nothing left to inspect. You see, lettuce is a perishable item.5
CL: I'm not sure that addresses the issue of free trade ...
Thompson: I know how you must feel.2
CL: Turning to the present White House, I'm sure there are lots of Bush Administration officials who would want to stay on in a Thompson Administration. What would you tell them?
Thompson: You're no racehorse! You're lunch for a lion and that's about it.6 By the way, you're fired.7
CL: Hillary Clinton is the Democratic frontrunner, and if you win, you will face her. As a former senator yourself, what do you think of her?
Thompson: To me, it looks like she took the state of New York for the biggest ride of all. In law school, I ate at the undergrad cafeteria to keep an eye on a certain someone, until she spotted me doing it. 3
CL: You've been criticized as lazy, as a mole for Nixon during Watergate and for your lobbying for pro-choice organizations while professing to be pro-life. Does that make you a hypocrite?
Thompson: What the hell is that supposed to mean?2
CL: A hypocrite is someone who says one thing but does another.
Thompson: I don't give a shit and I don't think anybody else does. I may look like a poor country lawyer, but I've been in this town for over twenty years.3
CL: That raises the issue of whether you are mentally ready for the rough-and-tumble presidential race where mudslinging is a spectator sport. What are you expecting in 2008?
Thompson: This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it.4
Movie sources for footnotes:
1. No Way Out
2. Die Hard 2
3. various Law and Order series
4. The Hunt for Red October
5. Days of Thunder
6. Racing Stripes
7. Necessary Roughness
Source: Internet Movie Database
