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  <title>Creative Loafing Tampa: Hollis Gillespie</title>
  <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com</link>
  <description>Tampa Creative Loafing Weekly Newspaper, shelter from the mainstream for news, event listings, dining, movies and music, restaurants.</description>
  <language>en-us</language>
  <copyright>Copyright 2009Creative Loafing Tampa. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, Creative Loafing Tampa readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact Creative Loafing Tampa.</copyright>
  <managingEditor>online@creativeloafing.com</managingEditor>
  <webMaster>webmaster@creativeloafing.com</webMaster>
  <pubDate>Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:00:01 MST</pubDate>
  <lastBuildDate>Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:28:34 MST</lastBuildDate>
  <generator>Dispatch Gyrobase</generator>
  
    <item>
    <title>Hollis Gillespie lets go</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/hollis_gillespie_lets_go/Content?oid=530936</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      Since I had sex with George Clooney it&#39;s occurred to me that I&#39;m better than everyone else. I&#39;m aware that some of you think that just because George Clooney kissed me twice -- THAT&#39;S RIGHT GEORGE CLOONEY KISSED ME TWICE THAT&#39;S PRACTICALLY MAKING OUT WHICH IN THE BIBLE BELT MEANS WE HAD SEX YES I HAD SEX WITH GEORGE CLOONEY SEX WITH GEORGE CLOONEY SEX WITH GEORGE CLOONEY -- to say we had sex is pushing it, but I invite
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 08 Oct 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>Hollis Gillespie makes out with George Clooney</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/hollis_gillespie_makes_out_with_george_clooney/Content?oid=525282</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      Grant now believes his black ass has special powers, and I would never have believed him except for yesterday. But before I tell you what happened, and by the way I cannot wait to tell you what happened, I have to explain that Grant has been saying lately that things happen to him, special things, when he&#39;s wearing his black ass, as opposed to when he&#39;s wearing the white one, even though he bought both from the same online fake
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 01 Oct 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>A Giant on my side: Trying to weasel into the working class</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/a_giant_on_my_side_trying_to_weasel_into_the_working_class/Content?oid=516161</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      Giant Michael always swore he&#39;d never open another restaurant, but then he always swore this while I was bugging him for a bartending gig at either of the two he already owned. &quot;Bitch, I have all the bartenders I need,&quot; he&#39;d say as I harangued him, &quot;and no I won&#39;t open another restaurant just so you&#39;ll have something to do while you should be writing. And by the way, it&#39;s never effective to address your potential boss as &#39;retard.&#39;&quot; I
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 17 Sep 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>Cathedral ceiling</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/cathedral_ceiling/Content?oid=511013</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        There's always more than one way to let the light in....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      I&#39;d close my blinds, but my laziness outweighs my confidence that there are actually people outside interested in my half-nakedness. I actually believe they wouldn&#39;t really see me without looking twice anyway, and by the time they did their second take I would be somewhere else, skirting around at another vantage, ducking and dodging. Because when it comes to laziness, I am inept. It takes a lot more energy to hop from hiding spot to hiding spot as I scurry
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 10 Sep 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>Bad words</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/bad_words/Content?oid=506983</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        And other things we leave behind....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      My mechanic told me I can&#39;t hit anything with my car anymore, so I guess there goes the rest of my day. Originally I had planned to spend it practicing backing my trailer into my driveway, but already a big hunk of the morning had been wasted reattaching my front bumper, which somehow got torn off after only the first few minutes. &quot;You&#39;re missing a bracket, so that bumper is just glued on,&quot; my mechanic, whose name is Kong, informed
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 03 Sep 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>Friend/unfriend</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/friend_unfriend/Content?oid=501653</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        If only real life were as simple as Facebook....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      I made 77 friends in one day last week, which makes me nervous. Like, are they going to start asking me for things? I seriously cannot deal if they start wanting me to be their bridesmaid, for example, or to help them move or to give them lifts to the airport. I&#39;m already a walking wad of disappointment wrapped up in excuses when it comes to my in-front-of-me friends -- Daniel, Grant and Lary -- the ones who actually sit
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>Crack moms for Christ</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/crack_moms_for_christ/Content?oid=498187</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        And other bad advice from my imaginary friends....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      I don&#39;t take it personally when I get accused of inventing my friends Grant and Lary, because sometimes my own biggest wish is that they were imaginary, too, especially given their penchant lately for &quot;keeping things real.&quot; That was their excuse last month when they tried to kidnap a visiting colleague of mine, tie him to a tree and talk him out of collaborating with me on a television project. &quot;Are those guys for real?&quot; he yelled at me once
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 20 Aug 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>A padded ass</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/a_padded_ass/Content?oid=493811</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        The things we think we need....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      Grant has finally got himself a big black ass. This after years of complaining that his own ass, which is not big and not black, won&#39;t hold up his pants. These complaints center on the fact that somehow his cargo shorts end up around his knees as he&#39;s lugging beer kegs back from the walk-in fridge while he bartends at the Local. Even though I personally never considered his lack of ass definition the root of his inability to keep
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>A Seriously Fine Fire</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/a_seriously_fine_fire/Content?oid=489815</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        We're going to help whether they want it or not....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      I find it incredible that Lisa keeps insisting she doesn&#39;t need help even though her whole damn house just burned down. If it were my house that burned down, I&#39;d be wallowing in the drama like a dinner-theater actress, waist-deep in debris, calling for TV film crews to document my suffering. Long after the inferno was extinguished, I&#39;d still be flagging down passing helicopters for repeated rescue evacuations, asking the pilot to let me out at the nearest quickie mart
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>Carried away</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/carried_away/Content?oid=485727</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        Falling into the arms of imagination....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      I hope Shannon doesn&#39;t mind that I plan to have sex with her husband. It should help that it won&#39;t be actual physical sex, but rather florid imaginary sex, the kind that involves, like, I don&#39;t know, harnesses and stuff. Not that harnesses are all that floridly imaginative, but I&#39;m a bit rusty at imaginary sex these days.That&#39;s why I&#39;m glad Shannon&#39;s husband Mike has enough imagination for everyone in the room. For instance, you&#39;d need a lot of it
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 30 Jul 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>Lovely junk</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/lovely_junk/Content?oid=481480</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        Blooming incongruously to my predicament....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      There&#39;s been a one-armed baby in my tree all month, which I didn&#39;t think would be a big deal until the neighbors kept pointing it out like I misplaced it or something. Like I&#39;ve been looking for it everywhere and I just need to be reminded where I put it. &quot;There&#39;s a baby in your tree,&quot; said the lady who delivers my mail. &quot;I know,&quot; I said. &quot;Where&#39;s its other arm?&quot; she asked. &quot;I have no idea.&quot; I also have
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 23 Jul 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>Back on the board</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/back_on_the_board/Content?oid=477300</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        Standing up instead of giving up....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      I did not even know it was possible to break your actual ass, but that is what I did. In fact, weeks later I am still limping around like an extra in Dawn of the Dead, complete with moaning, groaning and slobbering. As expected, I am surprised at the lack of sympathy from the collection of heartless barnacles that make up my friends, which now includes my doctor, seeing as how I lied to his receptionist to snake my way
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 16 Jul 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <title>Other mothers</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/other_mothers/Content?oid=473606</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        I'm amazed they don't murder me....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      Grant&#39;s mother was in town again and, as ever, I was amazed that she didn&#39;t murder me the minute she saw me. Not that I deserve to be killed just for telling the truth about her horny-assed son in newspapers, books and magazines published all over the world -- because Lord Jesus God, if you are a writer and you have a person like Grant in your life, you ought to drop everything just to watch him instruct illegal immigrants
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>Laughing at the fire</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/laughing_at_the_fire/Content?oid=470847</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        Surviving life's flaming forklifts....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      You would think that a flaming forklift would grab my attention, but it&#39;s surprising how unobtrusive those things are in real life. &quot;The forklift is on fire,&quot; Chris said to me almost casually, and I wouldn&#39;t have noticed anything was amiss but for Chris walking past me pretty fast. Other than that, you would have thought everything was absolutely as it should be, though you have to take into consideration that we were in a factory warehouse that distributes skateboard
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 02 Jul 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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    <item>
    <title>The wrong Stuff</title>
    <link>http://tampa.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/the_wrong_stuff/Content?oid=467702</link>
    <description>
      <![CDATA[
      
        Don't let it get you....
       
      
        By Hollis Gillespie
      
      
      When I was young there wasn&#39;t much on cable-free television in the horror-movie department, so we had to make do with the requisite smattering of Japanese acid-trip offerings that included, but was not limited to, Godzilla, Rodan and another movie called The Gargantuans, which basically had Tokyo being attacked by multicolored plush toys. These movies were, of course, about as scary as a preschooler jumping from behind a bush and yelling, &quot;Boo.&quot; But given the lack of variety available at
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    </description>
    <category>Bad Habits/Moodswing</category>
    <pubDate>Wed, 25 Jun 2008 04:00:00 MST</pubDate> 
    <source url="http://tampa.creativeloafing.com">Creative Loafing Tampa</source>
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