Outside the Box

Condos. Shopping centers. An ice rink. A film studio soundstage. A fresh market. A luxury hotel.

Some of these pitches for Fort Homer Hesterly National Guard armory are great. Some of them are about as necessary for Tampa's urban environment as a smoking crater. But are any of these ideas really going to set the city apart? Where's the creativity? Where's the chutzpah? Where's the vision?

What follows are some concepts for the property from far outside the box, concepts guaranteed to mark our home turf as something more than just another American city.

Supervillain's fortress. Eat your heart out, Gotham City and Metropolis. How many other cities can you name that are Home Of The Albino Anaconda, or Where The Appendageless Menace Rests His Torso? The armory would make a perfect home base for any criminal mastermind in the market for new digs. It's already fortified. There's plenty of asphalt for wheeled assault vehicles (and a service bay already in place on the property), with enough left over to convert to a helipad for the TerrorCopter, or some other imposing aerial transport painted to resemble whatever carnivorous animal happens to be the villain's namesake/inspiration. And the armory's roof could probably be made to retract, for easy death-ray access, without breaking the bank. Plus, the savvy scoundrel might get all the on-site National Guard equipment and an army of battle-seasoned henchmen thrown into the deal.

Three-quarter-scale replica of the University of Florida's stadium, The Swamp. Sick to death of driving up to Gainesville, or all the way to Tallahassee, to re-experience the exhilarating rivalry of your college days? You shouldn't have to. The Lil' Swamp South Sports Complex could give Tampa Bay alumni that same sensation of institutionally sanctioned prejudice right here in their own backyard. Once a month, child actors and dwarves would recreate classic Gators-vs.-Noles gridiron skirmishes in an arena identical to The Swamp down to the smallest detail. (Other suitably sized stadium events, such as Shriner Mini Monster Truck Mayhem, will be booked into open dates.) If the number of UF and FSU license plates around here is any indication, the consortium that jumps on this idea will make a mint.

War movie theme park. Have your self-esteem assaulted by R. Lee Ermey's unforgettable Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, then get some of Private Pyle's brains on you. Stroll among Saving Private Ryan's killing fields. Crawl through Viet Cong tunnels with Platoon's Sergeant Elias Grodin. Listen as the finest Michael J. Fox impersonator money can buy whines to a Sean Penn lookalike about his moral crisis. Smell napalm in the morning. Pick a side, build or destroy The Bridge on the River Kwai, then pick the other side and do it all over again! Why settle for simply watching your favorite war movie? Be in a scene from it. World War I, World War II, Vietnam -- all the classic moments from battle cinema will be represented. And we haven't forgotten about you, wives and girlfriends; there'll be a lounge fully stocked with almost-new VHS copies of everything from Steel Magnolias to Boys on the Side.

The Guinness Center for World Record Studies. The Center will marry science to spectacle via its many classes, forums, exhibits and ongoing world record attempts. Fascinating! A series of lectures will inform visitors on such topics as what it felt like to have, like, a million bees on your face, and the kind of rigorous preparation that's required prior to embarking on a quest to ride a unicycle while naked further than anyone's ever ridden a unicycle while naked before. Those accepted into the program will find out what world records haven't yet been set, and to which record attempts their talents are best suited, while tourists can watch such breathtaking record-making-in-action as the flipping of the world's largest crepe.

Outlets! Outlets! Outlets! OK, this one's sort of a cop-out. But I'm tired of traveling to Ellenton or Orlando every time I need a Levi's belt with only two holes or a pair of shoes from Second-Rate Swoosh.